I wish...

Sometimes my head gets really heavy and I start to search it for the problem behind it becoming such a weight to hold up. Then I start to think, thoughts are maybe the worst thing existing in our world. They're the one who start's all the fights we don't wish to enter, they're the one who gives us false ideals and false selfimages. Maybe they're the brain behind it all. Funny considering where they exists, maybe that's something to give a thought?

When I search my head, I find all the miserable thought I once had, I find them all and they creep up behind me to freak the hell out of me, and then they push me to the ground forcing their existance upon me. Forcing me to carry them and then my head fills with shame, guilt, depression, anger and loads of hate.

I feel ashamed of my body, I feel guilt for betraying myself when I eat to much, I feel depression because I know I will soon have to face the mirror, the anger comes from all the things I know I could change but I just let them be, and last but not least, the incredibly large amount of hate comes from how much I hate myself, how many times I look in the mirror and want to tear it down, how it feels when someone look at me and what they're probably thinking upon looking at me. They're probably thinking that I'm ugly, to disgusting to exist, to obese, that I'll soon explode from all the fat inside my body, that my face is all messed up.

If I had the money I would pay them to get the satisfaction from having a wonderful thing to look at in the mirror.

I disgust myself...